Hmmm... I miss this!

This is fun, let's keep this up, shall we?

Today was an interesting day. I told a couple more people I work with (that I approve for, specifically) that I am "going upstairs". Sounds like I am going to heaven. Maybe I am. But the Complaint Management Center is on the second floor of building 200, and Quality is on Floor 3. So upstairs I go.

I actually like my current job. It's not hard. I like the people I work with. Things are STABLE. And God knows I enjoy stable.

There's not a lot of sadness that I am leaving the department, but people are being kind. If you were to ask me my thoughts on leaving about 3 years ago, I would have given you a different story. I hated it there. Amazing what a couple of years can do.

So, yeah, today I came home to my LO and DH, and the LO was whining his ass off. He wanted Daddy's cell phone and wouldn't relent. I got him off of that subject, but he was tired. He only had two 30 minute naps today, which is not nearly enough. According to Daddy, he was being a perfect little angel until about 5:30pm. He signed for milk (seriously, he started signing at about 7 months, which was cute, but he only does the sign for milk which could mean anything. The sign for milk could mean diaper, food, play, milk... the same way that "mamamamamama" means diaper, food, play, milk....) I said, okay, food and then milk and bed. We went to bed an hour early tonight, and he fought it hard for about 10 minutes and then was out like a light. Persistence pays off (on my part).

This little boy is HUGE. At 9 months he is in 18 month PJs. I used to be able to cradle him in one arm, now he is across my lap, hanging off the edge of the chair. I don't know how much longer we'll nurse for, but WOW I don't know how people nurse their toddlers. I'm having trouble nursing my infant. "Gymnurstics" sounds apt.

Can I just take a moment here and say how in love with him I am? I love him so much, from his blond little perfectly shaped head, to his slightly stale and cold toes? I love watching him grow, I love watching him smile, and even sometimes when he cries. When he drops his arms to his sides, shuts his eyes tight and wails with his chin hanging way down, like he has nothing to lose by losing his mind. Screaming at the top of his lungs because he is hurt, I just love him all the more. And I want him to be quiet, but you know, I still love him. Because then when I grab him he holds my shoulder tight, like that was all he ever needed.

Anyway. Yeah. Swoon. The motherhood gene definitely kicked in over here.

Often I mourn for the individual I used to be. I miss my hobbies. I miss my friends. I wonder what I used to do with my time. I had so many projects and interests and shopping to do, and I never did any of it. I just sat home on facebook or in front of the tv. I never knew. Now I crave to do these things, and I haven't the opportunity. It will be okay, someday I will get back to them, but I want to send a message out to all of those people who want kids: DO YOUR STUFF NOW.

And thank god for Amazon Prime. Really.

And my Kindle.

What's up? I'm good, I'm good. When did I become a frickin grown-up?

In the last year, I had a kid, bought a house, and got married. Yes, in that order. Backwards. But still an adult.

I have been told a couple of times that "you are my hero" and "I envy you" because apparently I have got my sh*t together? I support our little family of three. Without much frustration. I sweat bullets when bills are due, I guess I just don't let it show. But yeah, we've got what we need, and a tiny little bit of room to breathe.

And our house? Awesome. So totally outdated and drafty, but it's big and ours and we heart our happy home.

I found out yesterday I got the job I wanted too. So SWEEEEEEEET. I'll finally be an honest to goodness Quality Engineer. And I"m applying for an MBA program to start this fall.

See? I'm an adult. (Pronounced AH-dult.)

Life's okay, you know?

I'm bothered by so many things these days, and the thing that really used to help was blogging. However, I'm also aware that publicly complaining about stuff is a good way to land yourself in trouble with people.

I'll try to be fair.

Mostly I'm tired. Being 7+ months pregnant will do that to a person. No matter what I do I can't get enough sleep. I'm slightly anemic, and the iron pills only do so much. I wake up every few hours to go to the bathroom and I'm drained from it. (Ha! Get it? *groan*)

(I was about to give all the positives and up-sides of pregnancy and how I'm glad to be welcoming a person into the world, but you know what? This is MY blog, and I don't have to be positive if I don't want to. So there. For now I'm just going to bitch, because I NEED TO.)

Work is okay, but I struggle sometimes. Especially lately. I do better on lots of sleep. That sleep that I'm not getting, remember? My boss retired, so I report to other people now and the support is not as great. I am getting into work later and later because I am so tired. The people I work with for the most part of great. Actually, I like them ALL as people. I struggle with their grasp of the work they are doing. It gives me more work. I'm getting behind in my work, and it's okay for now, but at some point I really do need to catch up.

I want to exercise, and I CAN'T. Spring is here! I want to do 5ks! No such luck!!! I haven't run in months and months.

My cat has cancer. She spent time in the hospital in December and January, when she almost died as her spleen nearly bled out. They removed the spleen, but the cancer is in her blood and there is no cure, so it's a waiting game... waiting for the cancer to take hold of another organ and kill her. I'm not dealing with the emotional stuff so well these days, so this has taken a huge toll on me. My Kitty is my first-born adopted fur baby. I'm heartbroken. I cry, I pray, I snuggle her. I think she knows how loved she is, hopefully that is one consolation.

And the s.o...... I'm tired. Just so tired. He costs me patience and money. Sick of being hurt.

I so desperately want a vacation, and I'm not getting one, not for a long time. I dream about beaches and mountains. Seriously. And here I am doing the same thing day in and day out. I haven't gone on a real vacation in so long. There was no babymoon, I can't afford one.

Today, I'm daydreaming about going to Vegas and strolling the blvd by myself and going to a spa. Which is sort of what I did on my 30th and 31st birthdays, and now my 33rd is approaching, and I will be here, at work, falling asleep at my keyboard.

Tired.

Life is amazing, isn't it? It gives you lemons, so you make lemonade, and then you choke on it and die.

That's sort of how I've been feeling a lot lately.

At least work is going extremely well, for what it is. I became a legitimate Quality Engineer last year, which I have wanted for a long time! And then in February, my position was eliminated. However, they did give me my old position back in Complaints. I hated the position when I did it last year, but they have made a lot of changes and hired more people, so the workload is manageable. I get my work done every day, and never work at home. Also, I can think these days so it's easier to do reading comprehension. Sure, I still have my days, and I do not put myself to bed on time any more, but the job is not a problem like it used to be just 6 months ago, when I would cry to myself that they were going to fire me so maybe I should just walk out.

Also, the codependence I was struggling with so much last year, but didn't even realize it, has gotten better. I'm not cured, but it's better. I am living my life for me, and not worrying so much about how other people live their lives. It's very freeing.

I'm still frightened to death of being alone for the rest of my life, but somehow I manage. After all, it's better than the alternative. Right?

Love weekends.

Gotta stop lazing about tho, and finally put the water in the mug where the tea bag has been so patiently waiting for 30 minutes.....

And go over the grocery store, pick up some eggs, other vegetable lasagna supplies, and come back. Eat. Go to public storage for once, maybe while they're open, or at least when they say they are open but are actually there. Bah.

Then maybe I'll take a nap. :)

Just sayin hey.

Hey.

:)

Damn it, I wish life was one easy decision after another.

My 30th birthday was celebrated in Las Vegas! Some of my girlfriends were there, and I have to say that this whole trip proved to me just how much friends are necessary in one's life. It was a true bonding experience, and I will never forget it.

I haven't completely slipped off the face of the earth. I still post over on MySpace quite a bit. You should add me as a friend if you haven't already.

http://www.myspace.com/alissa27

I need something to be excited about. Something to live for.

I've been putting a lot of thought into what I have got currently that I am striving for, goals, and I'm coming up with nothing.

I'm just so goddamned bored.